#FridayFictioneers – First Job

PHOTO PROMPT © Jilly Funell

Jake smiled as he read the text.

coffee shop.  mall.  5

Excited for his first job since the Army, he showered, dressed, and set out early.  It would be nice to get back to what he knew.

She sat alone sipping from a white paper cup.  The over-sized sunglasses fell short of covering her swollen black eye.

“Sarah?”

She nodded, pulled a bulging envelope from a small pink purse, and slid it over.

***

Jake compared the picture to the black haired man held in the cross-hairs.  It was him.  His breathing slowed melting the nerves away, exhaled and pulled the trigger.

WC:  100


#FridayFictioneers is a weekly blog link up hosted by Rochelle over at RochelleWisoff.com. You should totally check it out and perhaps try your hand at writing a 100 word story.

Good luck!

39 thoughts on “#FridayFictioneers – First Job

  1. For me, the point where the first part ended was just perfect. It left the ‘profession’ to one’s imagination, but from the envelope (and maybe a photograph to make it idiot-proof), and her swollen eye, it is kind of clear what she wants him to do. Would have been far more impactful for me that way. Just a thought 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, I can see exactly what Anurag and Neil mean, and I agree that there’s sufficient foreshadowing without the description of the meeting to justify the ‘twist’. And I agree that omitting it would make the ‘twist’ stronger.
    But what the description of the meeting gave me was a much fuller and rounder appreciation of the characters involved. The assassin was comparatively ethical in his choice of target; the person commissioning the hit was someone for whom you could feel sympathy – even admiration. That, to me, outweighs the ‘twist’. This is not primarily a story with a twist – it’s a story about people in an extreme situation.
    Guys, do come back at me if you disagree!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Penny! I can see their point, and perhaps it was heavy handed on my part, but I liked it when I wrote it.

      Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending it, just saying that it’s there, and while I have learned from it, I still don’t hate it.

      Thanks for the feedback. I’m glad you liked the story!

      Like

      1. Dear Russell
        I’m ever so sorry – I don’t seem to have made myself clear at all!
        I like what you have written. Your story is, to my way of thinking, much stronger than it would have been had you done as Anurag suggested. His comment applies if you specifically want to write a story with a twist. But there’s no rule that says a story has to have a strong twist, and yours doesn’t. What it has is a most satisfying conclusion that you have built towards in all the previous description.
        It’s a jolly good story!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh no Penny! I understood what you meant and super appreciate it! I was just saying that I can see Anurag’s point of view even though I still like it the way it is.

          I’m even more happy that you liked it the way it’s written though! Just shows that we all have different taste.

          Thanks again!

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I thought the last paragraph helped me appreciate the professionalism, or skill, of this hired assassin. He seems no novice to this line of work.

    The last sentence I found grammatically problematic. Perhaps splitting it in two with a subject for the second half would help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Fatima! It seems now that more readers are liking the end bit, and that makes me happy! I can still see going either way, but I doubt I’d change it given the option.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

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