Jake smiled as he read the text.
–coffee shop. mall. 5–
Excited for his first job since the Army, he showered, dressed, and set out early. It would be nice to get back to what he knew.
She sat alone sipping from a white paper cup. The over-sized sunglasses fell short of covering her swollen black eye.
“Sarah?”
She nodded, pulled a bulging envelope from a small pink purse, and slid it over.
***
Jake compared the picture to the black haired man held in the cross-hairs. It was him. His breathing slowed melting the nerves away, exhaled and pulled the trigger.
WC: 100
#FridayFictioneers is a weekly blog link up hosted by Rochelle over at RochelleWisoff.com. You should totally check it out and perhaps try your hand at writing a 100 word story.
Good luck!
For me, the point where the first part ended was just perfect. It left the ‘profession’ to one’s imagination, but from the envelope (and maybe a photograph to make it idiot-proof), and her swollen eye, it is kind of clear what she wants him to do. Would have been far more impactful for me that way. Just a thought 🙂
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Thanks for the feedback. I can see what you mean.
Thanks for reading, and as always I appreciate your thoughts!
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Other than a little confusion about who ,‘it was him’ was, I liked the story. 🙂
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I was trying to link the target to the photo. Maybe it wasn’t needed, I think now. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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I thought at first that ‘him’ was the contractor, and he was about to see a red dot on his chest, but it soon became clear. 🙂
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Ah, gotcha. I can see how that could happen.
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I had exactly the same thought about deleting the last part. There’s enough information for the reader to construct that conclusion themselves
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I can see how I may have been a bit heavy handed there. Appreciate the feedback!
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Well, I can see exactly what Anurag and Neil mean, and I agree that there’s sufficient foreshadowing without the description of the meeting to justify the ‘twist’. And I agree that omitting it would make the ‘twist’ stronger.
But what the description of the meeting gave me was a much fuller and rounder appreciation of the characters involved. The assassin was comparatively ethical in his choice of target; the person commissioning the hit was someone for whom you could feel sympathy – even admiration. That, to me, outweighs the ‘twist’. This is not primarily a story with a twist – it’s a story about people in an extreme situation.
Guys, do come back at me if you disagree!
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Thank you Penny! I can see their point, and perhaps it was heavy handed on my part, but I liked it when I wrote it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending it, just saying that it’s there, and while I have learned from it, I still don’t hate it.
Thanks for the feedback. I’m glad you liked the story!
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Dear Russell
I’m ever so sorry – I don’t seem to have made myself clear at all!
I like what you have written. Your story is, to my way of thinking, much stronger than it would have been had you done as Anurag suggested. His comment applies if you specifically want to write a story with a twist. But there’s no rule that says a story has to have a strong twist, and yours doesn’t. What it has is a most satisfying conclusion that you have built towards in all the previous description.
It’s a jolly good story!
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Oh no Penny! I understood what you meant and super appreciate it! I was just saying that I can see Anurag’s point of view even though I still like it the way it is.
I’m even more happy that you liked it the way it’s written though! Just shows that we all have different taste.
Thanks again!
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I thought the last paragraph helped me appreciate the professionalism, or skill, of this hired assassin. He seems no novice to this line of work.
The last sentence I found grammatically problematic. Perhaps splitting it in two with a subject for the second half would help.
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Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. I’ll check out that last line. I was struggling a bit with the word limit while editing down, so it wouldn’t surprise me one wit if I mussed that up.
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Putting his military skills to good use – ‘Jake Reacher’, perhaps?
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Maybe Jack’s cousin?
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I am of two minds here. I rather like the end but didn’t really need it. Perhaps there could be a little dialog to tie things up? Nice story.
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Thanks Jo, glad you liked it!
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Great work if you can get it. Once a professional always a professional.
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No doubt about it!
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Although I can never condone killing, this was well written.
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Thanks Liz!
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Must be difficult to find work when your specialty is something like this…how does one advertise 😉
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I think getting started is the hardest part. Once you have a reputation for getting the job done and being discreet about it, I think the customers find you.
Thanks for stopping by Dale!
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I like to think so 😉
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Jack is a hired killer! He learned to shoot in the army.
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Absolutely! Thanks for reading!
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A chilling businesslike killer, no wonder he gets these assignments.
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Oh, for sure. Jake’s out there taking care of business!
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I liked that you’d included the last paragraph too. I am at that stage of life where I have a healthy respect and envy for anyone with eyesight good enough to carry out an execution in a public place.
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PS I also liked the subtle foreshadowing in the phrase “getting back to what he knew”.
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Thanks Jilly! I’m glad you liked it! And hey, who knows just how good you could see given a good quality scope.
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This was a “twice-through” post 🙂 Well done. The black eye was the first tip-off to a most appropriate ending. Not that I approve of murder, but sometimes. . . . . .
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Thanks! Glad you liked it, especially the ending!
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So well-written. An intriguing read.
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Thanks Lisa! That is the absolute best compliment! So glad you liked it!
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I actually thought you wrote this well. I needed that last part to know what was happening. Glad he is making use of his skills, though I always feel there’s a better way out of situations than murder.
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Thanks Fatima! It seems now that more readers are liking the end bit, and that makes me happy! I can still see going either way, but I doubt I’d change it given the option.
Thanks for stopping by!
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